9/6/23, 9:48pm

my husband is currently laying next to me on my right and just talked in his sleep. i don’t even remember what he said. he seemingly woke up, confused, asking me questions.

something like, “what is it going?” and then, whispered closer to me, “what are you thinking?”

i told him to go back to sleep.

“hmph,” he said, and then he laid back down.

he will not remember it in the morning.

this happens a lot.

i am laying down, hiding under a blanket so that the light from my phone doesn’t disturb anyone, even though the brightness is all the way down and i’m on dark mode. it’s still bright in a pitch black room. the light is probably bad for me.

every now and then i lift a corner of the blanket to let in some fresh cold air so that i can breathe. being under this stuffy blanket is probably not good for me either.

the baby is sleeping in the bassinet to my left. i can hear her breathing. when the binky falls out of her mouth, i hear her wiggling, wanting it back, and i reach out from under my blanket with one hand and put it back in her mouth without looking.

i couldn’t see her even if i did look. it’s very dark in our room.

when i finally do go to bed, when the baby is still and quiet and asleep for the long haul, i will struggle to fall asleep myself (i’m sure). every few minutes i will go to check on her by setting my arm on the side of the bassinet and gently hinging it downward until my fingertips barely touch her chest. and i will pause and wait until i’ve felt her breathe a few breaths (i am always afraid that she has stopped breathing), and then, when i’m satisfied, i will gently remove my arm and roll back over and try not to think about all the things i don’t want to think about that keep me awake.

i have two more days left of my maternity leave.

and then it’s the weekend and then i go back to work.

it’ll be eleven weeks and two days. because even though she was born on a thursday, those two days counted as a full week. so they call it twelve weeks. but it is really eleven weeks and two days.

it’ll be done so fast.

i will be back before i know it.

i am terrified and dreading it.

i don’t know how to stop time. i try every time i look at my baby.

it hasn’t worked so far.