12/2/25

4:14pm

Was literally weeping happy tears of gratitude earlier today… Joseph & R came in from playing in the snow while I wore L and did some food prep, he made her lunch, then after he played guitar while R danced in her princess dress and crown singing and telling him to play louder, while L slept snuggly against me in my wrap.

12/5/25

9:39pm

My dad, sister, and two nieces (10 & 13) came over tonight to meet L for the first time. R loves her cousins so much. It was so special seeing our four girls together on the couch, E reading them all a story with R curled up in her lap and I holding L. Big tears from R when they left.

I wish they’d visit more. I don’t remember the last time they came over to our house. It’s always us going over to theirs.

R asks us every morning what we were dreaming about. I’ve been sleeping so hard I haven’t been remembering my dreams like I usually do. R says she’s been dreaming about princesses and doggies. Before that it was piggies.

L is so squeaky. She coos in a way I feel like it took R a month to do.

I wonder if her eyes will be brown like her sister’s and her dad’s, or blue like mine.

Today was a tougher day; particularly in the morning. L’s sleep wasn’t great last night, and she spit up a crazy amount so we had to deal with that and it made me worried about her. Joseph ended up staying awake holding her for almost 3 hours since she wouldn’t go down to sleep in the bassinet; and the next day is always hard on little sleep.

My dad was stressing me out via text earlier.

I’m having major fomo with all of the holiday things and activities that I can’t take R to yet, like a mom friend’s card decorating party and the holiday themed F4M playgroups. Just feel like I’m missing out on making all those memories with her that I would otherwise be doing and it makes me really sad. She’s such a fun age right now and wants to do all the Christmas things, but we’re stuck at home and I have no energy to setup a craft or sensory bin for her here.

Breakfast with Santa tomorrow morning and our city’s Christmas tree lighting tomorrow night. Hoping those things will make me feel better about missing out, and hoping they give me the confidence/inertia to go out with both girls more. L’s immune system is still so young though. I’m nervous about breakfast with Santa, but it was small last year in a church basement and I will wear her and keep her close. Idk. Trying to balance mom guilt with reasonable anxiety, physical health and mental health.

12/31/25

4:08am

Hello Flounder. I am currently holding my swaddled baby in one arm while she stares wide eyed at the salt lamp. There are only the sounds of the white noise, her quiet periodic sucking on the pacifier, and the gentle breathing of her and her father next to me. She occasionally starts to drift asleep and then is wide eyed again. She smiles in her sleep and sometimes gently chuckles.

This month was so slow and then suddenly very fast. The next year will be here so soon. It has felt like a full year.

January I was very deep in grief from a fresh miscarriage. I was not paying as much attention to the dates this month and the anniversary of it passed by without my acknowledgement. December 10th. I learned a long time ago that anniversaries of bad events are often worse leading up to them. It feels like they’re going to be these big, heavy, meaningful days, but they’re often normal where you feel fine and not particularly sad or grieve-y. I used to feel guilty about that. But grief gets parsed out just fine the rest of the year and often hits at the most random of times. Just because you’re in a good mood on the anniversary doesn’t mean you no longer care. Or that you’re healed.

I got pregnant again mid-March. It felt like I was pregnant forever. I basically had been pregnant from October 2024 to November 2025, with a small break from December 10-March 7. I am so happy to not be pregnant anymore, and to have a beautiful baby in my arms.

L has sized out of newborn diapers and is in size 1 now! She definitely makes adorable little coos and purposeful happy sounds. She is starting to smile while awake too. She tracks people as they walk across the room and she likes to stare at her big sister. 6 weeks today!

R currently has a nasty sounding cough and a runny nose. We were thinking it was just a cold, but a relative we saw on the 21st called yesterday to say she has RSV. So now I am panicking that R has that. Luckily I got the RSV vaccine when I was pregnant, so L and I are protected as much as we can be (plus I’m breastfeeding her). RSV can be really dangerous for infants. It’s so hard keeping R away from L, especially when she wants to sit and cuddle with us and I have to say no :( It’s making parenting two that much harder than it already is. Worried about R too. We hate when she’s sick. We both get so worried. She is acting pretty normally and eating/drinking well, so that’s good. She is crying more, especially in her sleep, and sleeping longer. I hope she’s okay. I hate hearing her cough in her sleep, poor baby.

Will be posting some end of year things soon enough!