It’ll Be A Funny Story Someday

9/17/23

It’ll Be A Funny Story Someday

pulling across the floor laughter and giggles

a mustache and denim shirt

a black shirt and new balances

a father and hero uncle

giver of giggles

a broken bag of plastic

breastmilk drip drip dripping on the corduroy

on the office chair

on the desk

frustration in an empty building

running down the hall

unclasped bra and hoping no one sees

exasperated meeting

don’t let them see

fall is falling upon us quickly

not ready to give up summer

not ready to say goodbye to the season

of my baby

my baby’s season

the first full day of summer

when my baby came into the world

i am not ready for her new season

the clothes are so small

her feet are so big

her hair

the swirl is getting thicker

her eyelashes longer

the bubbles on her lips bigger

the sewing machine marches on

in my mind

i have yet to sit at it again

but my mind has been on it

the marching stitches

my foot on the peddle

my hands guiding the cloth forward

then back

to reverse the stitch

to hold this day tight

so that time doesn’t unravel

she can kick the bassinet

the end of it

she is stretching and wiggling

she is turning and skooching

and pressing her face against the side

and licking the mesh

with her nose pressed against it

like a little clown

a lizard licking

tasting the air

and everything around it

can she smell with her tongue?

wrapped in a towel on the bathroom floor

pictures on pictures

an accident

whoops

waited too long

diaper in hand

almost made it

it will be a funny story someday

i think it’s kind of funny now

record it all

record everything

keep everyone in mind

record it for them

so they can participate in her life

in my life

in whose life

whose life is it

the opposite of shame is connection

the opposite of living in the moment is recording

there is shame when there’s no recording

where’s the record

show me that you’re living

show me that you’re a good mother

show me that you have a work life balance

show me your promotion

show me that you still have fun

show me that you’re still in love

show me that you still have sex

show me that you’re not fat

show me your cute baby

show me that you’re living

that you’re living

that you’re participating in this life

feel guilt for not writing

feel guilt for not taking more pictures

feel guilt for taking too many pictures

feel guilt for being on your phone

feel guilt for not texting them back for not answering the phone

feel guilt for not calling

feel guilt for not sending pictures

feel guilt for not reading

feel guilt for reading on your phone

feel guilt for not going to the library

feel guilt for not reading the books on your shelves

feel guilt for not holding the baby

feel guilt for making the baby cry when you pick her up

feel guilt for holding the baby too much

feel guilt for not rocking the baby

feel guilt for passing off the baby

feel guilt for not entertaining the baby

feel guilt for not looking at the baby

feel guilt for looking at the phone and not the baby

feel guilt for looking at the baby through the lens of a camera

feel guilt that the baby has to look at the phone for every picture

feel guilt for not using the play gym in days

feel guilt for not exercising more often

feel guilt for not texting that mom yet

feel guilt for not asking the car salesman about his daughter

feel guilt for not talking to the old lady who wanted to talk to you about her daughters

feel guilt for lying

feel guilt for asking them to be there

feel guilt for correcting the baby’s name

feel guilt for not using the diaper pad

feel guilt for not eating right

feel guilt for the glass of wine

feel guilt for putting off writing the adventuring

why do you start things anyway?

i deserve it

i deserve to start things

i deserve to not finish them

i deserve to feel guilt for not finishing them

you’re exhausting

why do you feel so much guilt

you’re exhausting

you’re so annoying

just don’t do that

talk kinder to yourself

no thank you

i know what’s right for me

i deserve the shame

i deserve the connection

i deserve them both

shame is the opposite of connection

they are like light and dark

you can’t have one without the other

i don’t think

is there such a thing?

as total light or total darkness?

is there such a thing?

i don’t think there’s such a thing

as total shame

i don’t think there’s such a thing

as total connection

but maybe i can be proven wrong someday

but i don’t think so

i have done too many shameful things

even if they are minuscule

even if they are nothing

compared to what shameful things

others have done

but they are my shameful things

it is my shame

i can’t undo them

i think i am happier than i am letting on

why do i let things get so dark so quickly

there’s no such thing as total darkness

i promise i have light too

i need to start the sleep timer

i need to start writing more light

my brain is good at remembering the bad

this started so happy

happy moments

in flashes

a coo and a chuckle

towels wrapped around her hands

big smiles

big smiles!

wide eyes

wet eyelashes

so cute

must record them

to share them

to make connection

what’s wrong with connection?

it brings you out of the moment

what’s wrong with connection?

it requires disconnection in the moment

leave her be

enjoy the moment

too many pictures

and you end up with shit on the towel

it’ll be a funny story someday

when i forget about my guilt

/poems/