Pregnancy #2

[Trigger warning: pregnancy loss]

Friday 1/31/25

We are trying again and I just got my period yesterday (second one since my miscarriage) and the bleeding just feels like losing the baby all over again.

I am devastated that I don’t have a positive pregnancy test.

Worried that we’re going to miss out on the three-month fertile window post-mc. That was the one consolation prize of this terrible thing.

In pain physically and emotionally, but I have to keep being present and a good mom for my sweet toddler girl, who needs so much care and attention and patience right now.

Already exhausted at the prospect of trying to time everything correctly again next month, only to be let down again.

I’m staring at the pile of clothes in my bedroom. I had been working on sorting them when the bleeding got worse back in December. I haven’t touched the clothes since. They’re such a huge physical and emotional burden. I hate how obvious and cliché of a metaphor it is.

This is such a lonely thing to carry.

Tuesday 1/21/25

You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll say it again because you need to hear it again: YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.

Unfortunately it is common enough to happen to 1 in every 3 pregnancies. But the earliness and normalcy do not make it less of a loss. You lost all of the things you thought you were getting with a pregnancy. You lost a loved one before ever getting to know them. Your baby, your embryo, your raspberry, deserves your grief just as much as they deserved your love and excitement. Mourn them, carry them in your heart, and bring that love with you into your future family.

Monday 12/16/24

I had a hard day today. Especially this morning.

I started bleeding a week ago. It’s just about stopped now. My husband went back to work today so everything seemed back to “normal”—except that I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

I just missed my baby. I missed spending the day with my 17-month-old and my belly baby… I already felt like a mom to both of them—talking to both of them, moving through the day with both of them, navigating both tantrums and symptoms—already a mom of two… But today I was officially back to being a stay-at-home mom of one.

Thank God she is the cutest, sweetest, funniest, best girl in the world. Her and her dad are why I wasn’t a ball of tears in bed today.

Thursday 12/11/24

Grateful for the fudge our neighbors made us (they didn’t know, just coincidental).

Grateful for the Insomnia Cookies our friends sent us.

Grateful for the five days of bereavement my husband’s work allows for pregnancy loss, so we can be together.

Grateful for our moms coming to watch our daughter. Grateful for the breakfast my mom made me, and the dinner my MIL made us.

Grateful for our adorable daughter who makes us smile and laugh.

Grateful for the other women online and in my life who are helping me feel less alone 💗🕯️

Tuesday 12/10/24

8 weeks + 2 days

This is the oldest baby #2 will ever be. I started bleeding on Monday, and doctors confirmed yesterday that I was having a miscarriage.

We are grieving and crying and resting and holding each other and our daughter tight today.

We didn’t know whether the baby was a boy or girl, but we are calling baby #2 Magdalena.

“Everything lost will be recovered / As we drift into the arms of the undiscovered.”

7 week + 4 days symptoms

• Exhaustion! Took 2.5 hour nap today while R took a 3.5 hour nap (she is a perfect angel)
• Sore & sensitive boobs/nipples
• Bigger boobs (feels like I’m breastfeeding again but that they’re just empty right now)
• Gagging at bad smells like the trash
• Gagging at toothpaste foam in my mouth and brushing my tongue
• Super nose
• Soup-er brain
• SO HUNGRY
• No I’m not hungry at all, let me whither
• No actually I’m only in the mood for super specific foods like PBJ, food court bourbon chicken, meat-heavy Mexican food, French dip sandwiches, buffalo chicken dip, cottage cheese, breakfast burritos, toast with jam, and pancakes
• Give me chocolate.
• Crying about made up scenarios in my head and anything remotely happy and anything remotely sad
• NESTING. Want to clean the basement, make it a playroom. Planning the playroom. Planning R’s big girl room. Building wishlists for both babies. Want to pave driveway and install a gate to keep the kids safe.
• Anxiety and stress. Stress scrolling toddler advice groups, Marketplace, and Buy Nothing on Facebook. Even though I know I’m better than that. What to Expect app forums too (but less). Guilt for that and many other things. Worried about [insert long dumb list of things, even though I know everything I’m doing is great and fine because I’m doing my best and I’m the best mom for my babies and I just need to keep reminding myself of that because there is way too much pressure and guilt on moms these days, especially because of social media, and yeah that’s why I should get off of dumb Facebook but I need to NEST and clean out the basement and sell everything on Marketplace, so damn this is just an endless cycle, so that’s why I need to practice being kind with myself and strengthen my self-esteem and grace muscles!!!!]
• Otherwise no real symptoms, pretty mild so far.