10/1/23
- pulling off throwing my husband a massive surprise festival/variety show last night for his 30th birthday (which is today)
- being tiredddddd
- relaxing with family visiting from out of town
- dressing the baby in cute outfits
- having the baby sleep on my chest
- eating sub sandwiches and birthday cake
- being sad after reading old journals
- feeling better after drinking scotch and talking with everyone and walking to get carry out and eating thai food
- being with my family
__________________________
10/2/23
8:38pm
the start of october
on saturday, i threw my husband a massive surprise festival/variety show/party experience for his 30th birthday. it was called Live Laugh Love Fest and everyone who came showed him how much they loved and admired him. i needed him to know that. i booked his musician friends to play, our comedy friends to do improv, and our close family and friends to tell stories about him. i gave a toast, we had lots of food and cake and drinks, a raffle basket full of merch from the performers, a silent auction where people could bid on custom songs written by my husband, a honey roast, a karaoke contest he judged, and at the end of the night we all danced to “Jump in the Line” by Harry Belafonte. his band got him to play with them and it was incredible. i am so glad he loved it. it really was selfish of me because it was all things i enjoyed too. i keep rewatching the videos from it because i loved it so much. it really was a special and magical night. i think it was a good way to start his next decade.
today is the second anniversary of his dad passing away. i miss Pops very much. my husband is a musician and philosophical thinker like him. Pops would have loved watching his son on that stage, watching him be a father, watching others love and appreciate him so much. i could feel his love through the music that night. maybe that’s why i’m rewatching those videos of it so much today.
my stepdad’s death anniversary is coming up on the 16th this month. i miss him a lot too. i found a journal from when i was 9 where i had written down a memory i had with him that i had forgotten about. about me trying to eat faster than him every night at dinner in a silly competition. i am glad i have that memory back now.
i am struggling with the relationship i have with my dad now. i don’t know what to do about it—should i tell him how he’s making me feel, which would undoubtedly make things rough between us? i have already lost two father figures—do i have that time with him to waste? should i try to fix our current dynamic? or ignore it and just focus on making good memories? i don’t know.
i am glad my husband is so thoughtful about the kind of father he wants to be. he says he is most looking forward to when she is 40-years-old, which i think is very funny. but the more i thought about that notion—wanting to see who your daughter is and who she’s become when she’s 40, wanting a good relationship with her then—shows just how much love and effort he’s willing to put into those 40 years to get to that point.
when i think about my parents, i realized that while they did a really great job of giving me a wonderful childhood, I don’t think they were prepared to still be my parents when i was an adult. i do not have the relationship i want with them; i am not as close to them as i was when i was a kid, and i don’t think that’s my fault—because i have tried reaching out and putting in the effort, and they don’t seem to want to match it. it makes me sad and hurt and angry.
it’s all become magnified since i’ve become a parent. exhaustingly, i’ve been reflecting on parent-child dynamics more than ever before. knowing my husband’s parents has made me change the way i see my own. that makes things harder sometimes. there are things that my parents did before i had become a parent, that i might not have thought twice about then; but now that i have a daughter, i am noticing some of the ways they treat me in which i would never want to treat my daughter: unnecessary and thoughtless criticism. apathy. passive aggression. selfishness. not putting my thoughts and feelings first.
i am looking at every action and decision and conversation with them with a hyper awareness that i don’t want. it’s making me feel worse about them than i want to feel. i don’t like it. do other new parents feel this? i feel such guilt over it. i feel so ungrateful and hypercritical of these people who did so much for me.
but i am not taking issue with my childhood (my entries from my 9-year-old journal were very happy); i am taking issue with the way i am being parented in adulthood—because it doesn’t stop there, and i think maybe my parents think it does. i don’t know. that’s how it feels. i feel like such a little kid, tantrumming from the lack of attention from her parents. but i still need them. and sometimes it feels like they don’t want to deal with me anymore. they love the grandbaby. but i am difficult. (shrug/sigh)
we are determined to be good parents. to put her first and show her pure love through every stage of her life. i think all the time about the ways i will likely mess up, to try to get ahead of them. i plan on asking my kids for a lot of feedback. but not too much, and not in a crazy desperate way—I don’t want to mess them up!!!!! but i do want open communication. and i think a voluntary mid-year evaluation from a six-year-old would be both hilarious and helpful.
_________________
10/3/23
- listening to my baby make the cutest babbling noises and learning how to blow raspberries
- watching my baby concentrate so hard on her hands and feet
- working from home for what feels like forever; rotating through different spots in the house throughout the day to keep the baby entertained (futon, desk/bouncy chair, couch, loveseat, nursery/recliner)
- going for a long walk with the baby and stopping by the store to get some groceries for the week
- wearing shorts and a tank top in OCTOBER because of 80° weather (but at least the tank top had skeletons on it)
- tidying the house after a weekend full of festivities
- talking and spending quality time with my husband
- having a crush on my husband
11:11 lucky me
tagged 10 different audiobooks
going to listen to them on my commute to work
feels like cheating
being able to finish books while driving
is good
hard to pick up a physical book with a baby
he’s talking in his sleep again
“ah ba ba bup,” whispered
hot night tonight
🎶i love / hot nights🎶
oh to be cruising in my pastel colored convertible in the 1950s
oh to be walking the streets to different restaurants and bars on a summer night
oh to be sleeping on an air mattress with the windows open and fan going in my boyfriend’s city apartment
oh to be walking across campus alone after getting off the T
i stay up too late all the time
what happened to my tiredness that had been haranguing me all day?
this happens all the time
“night owl” they say
i miss watching conan in bed on school nights
and the fresh prince of bel air on nick at nite
on my giant box tv in the corner of my room
i miss my wooden desk that my legs didn’t quite fit under
where i would do my homework
and listen to my alarm clock radio from the 80s
and tune it to the christmas station in december
cold nights in flannel pajamas then
now i am sweating on top of flannel sheets
brain goes buzz buzz
my stream of consciousness looks different than his
i think in broken thoughts and phrases
these aren’t poetic lines
just my brain jumping to the next thought
the next train
the next traincar
i’m just a hobo riding this train of thought
jimmy crack corn and i don’t care
skip to my lou my darlin
my darling baby
so sleeping
so peaceful
and breathing and lips
i can’t wait for her morning smile
in her little kicking sleep sack
i want to see it every day
i love her
early tomorrow
i wonder if i will see my baby
or if i will have to goodbye in the dark and go
before i get to see that smile
hm
_____________________
10/4/23
- lots of singing along to The Heavy Forgiveness
- sweating in October
- kissing the baby’s cheeks and making her smile really big
- reacting to a jump scare during a scary movie while nursing and making the baby cry :(
8:28pm
i take it back
my mom has been doing a good job putting in the effort to connect with me as an adult. she texts me all the time and asks to go to events together and offered to babysit so that i could go to my friend’s event which was very kind of her. i was just upset during my last entry.
my dad is still frustrating me. didn’t respond at all when i said i missed them at my husband’s surprise party. but when i send a picture of the baby he responds right away. i want him to care about my whole family. hurumph.
so weird i was brushing my teeth and thinking about work and thinking about how while i am sad to not work with kids as much, i am grateful to be on a day shift schedule as an admin because i was getting cozy for bed while other employees were just finishing night hike and starting the campfire for our current overnight group. glad that’s not me tonight. i got to watch a horror movie with my husband and snuggle with my baby.
but anyway weirdly while i was brushing my teeth and thinking about work and being glad i didn’t have to deal with work, a co-worker texts me about work. and she apologized for texting after hours but she had an important thing to update me about. it was a long text. i mostly was just perplexed that i had probably started thinking about work while she was drafting this long text to me. maybe i sensed it somehow.
i read once somewhere that the little voice inside your head that warns you about things is really your self sending telepathic thoughts to you from a different plane. isn’t that a neat thought?
so after i experience something bad, or near misses, or a really happy moment, i close my eyes and try to send my past self a message through some alternate dimension to watch out for whatever i should avoid, or to savor the moment while i can. even if it doesn’t help out my past self in this dimension, maybe it’ll help out another timeline version of me who can hear me.
and as i go through each day, i try to really listen to my inner voice because whatever it is that my heart seems to want, maybe that’s my future self telling me which way to go.
— - - - - -
sad that my dumb rubber straw has mold in it. i have to clean it. i keep forgetting to bring it downstairs. thirsty at bedtime.
— - - - - -
my thoughts are too unorganized and mismatched to put in the same document. that’s why i’m logging my day across five different files in different writing styles/formats
sorry if it’s annoying
i actually deleted fb off my phone and not just my home screen, so i will be on here even more and become even more insufferable
ali, people don’t have to read any of this if they don’t want to. i literally doesn’t matter. write whatever you want however you want to. no one cares. your thoughts are all over the place and chaotic and not nice and neat or minimalist like a lot of other pages you admire, but that’s okay, you don’t have to be like them. just be you. it doesn’t matter and it makes you unique. just do what’s best for you and your brain. however you want to write it good. it’s good. relax. deep breath. don’t care. just don’t care so much. knock it off. it’s better for you not to care. care about some things, sure, of course, but certainly not this. okay?
_______________________
10/5/23
so idk how to set the timezone on here, but i keep starting a gemlog late at night and it’s naming the file the next day because it’s the next day in australia or something already.
i hate pumping at work so much. it’s so annoying and gross. i am so glad when i’m wfh.
working with kids a lot this week because so many people are out sick. it’s nice. they like me. they got excited when i came into the dining hall this morning. that feels good.
show tonight went well!
i think maybe will use gemlog to track my everyday thoughts and my diary to track more emotional reflections
i got a new haircut this past weekend (like a shag with curtain bangs) and my one coworker said it “looks fabulous,” and it looks good in the pictures from tonight, so that’s good ^.^ i always get self conscious and regretful after haircuts so glad that at least today was a good hair day
____________________
10/9/23
cozy rosie
standing up stronger
voice getting stronger
smiles so big they’re her whole face
and the only thing in the world
i love her so
maybe work will end
we will see
will talk and see
see how time plays out
how feelings will feel
and see what changes
(if anything at all)
looking forward to the possibility
of it happening
i need to stick to my heart
no matter what
and my heart is with her
and we can do it
and what is best for our family
fun band play
gimlet
dancing (not enough)
drive home and laughter
always laughter
smiling
this is where she gets it
i think i’m in
the good ole days
______________________
10/10/23
- grocery shopping with husband//23 and baby
- working on sewing baby’s halloween costume (it’s looking so cute!!!)
- thinking about starting a family email newsletter instead of using social media
- thinking about quitting work and becoming a stay at home mom like i had originally wanted to do before i got offered my promotion
- being worried about being away from the baby too much
- being worried about the house being clean for when my husband’s grandmother visits tomorrow but oh well
- cooking with husband and baby in the kitchen to keep me company :)
____________________
10/13/23
i gave up on Heart Berries. beautifully written but didn’t like the audiobook reader; i think it would be better if read as a real book. also there’s some heavy stuff in there that i’m not in a place to engage with now.
listening now to Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner and i love it. she describes grief so well and describes food in a way that leaves you drooling and ready to eat a chinese-korean feast at 7:30 in the morning.
eta: this is one book i think is better to listen to than read because 1) i love when books are read by the author, 2) her speaking voice is just as nice as her singing voice (which makes sense since she comes from a family of voice actors), and 3) i can actually hear her pronounce all of the korean words correctly, which my internal voice would not be able to do.
she is visiting case university on 10/19 and i would really love to go see her but the talk starts right at the baby’s bedtime. sigh. i miss being a college student and going to cool talks and performances. listening to a lot of japanese breakfast today instead.
____________________
10/15/23
- considering quitting work to be a full time stay at home mom
- being tired as baby girl is going through her 4-month sleep regression
____________________
10/19/23
- feeling stressed about telling work that i’m going to quit :(
- debating how long i should keep working; considering staying until thanksgiving so that i’m not totally screwing them over, but really i want to leave asap
- looking forward to being full time stay-at-home with the baby, and also the other things i will finally have time and energy for like organizing/cleaning the house and creative projects
- feeling excited about publishing our first family newsletter email
- looking forward to halloween festivities
- feeling happy about making more connections with mom friends :)
- feeling disconnected from my dad and thinking about calling or texting him (haven’t talked to him directly in two weeks somehow)
- missing my stepdad
- crying a lot at crying in h mart because the caretaking she describes reminds me of taking care of my stepdad during his brain cancer
____________________
10/23/23
- feeling better about my relationship with my dad after having a heartfelt phone conversation with him that was surprisingly emotionally honest (by both of us)
- feeling guilty for complaining about my dad and taking him for granted and not giving him enough credit (same with my mom, ugh i’m the worst)
- worrying about the baby after her second round of shots today 🥺
- feeling irritated by everything at work now that i am set on resigning; feeling impatient for my meeting on Friday where i will give my notice
- using chat gpt for the very first time and using it to write my resignation letter lol
- wanting to go hiking with the baby but not having the time or energy because of work; feeling sad i’m not sah yet so that i could take her while the leaves are at their peak
- making homemade chicken noodle soup for the first time!
- thinking about what kind of mother i’ll be
- wondering what my daughter will think of me
- eating oreos and milk pretty much every night
- feeling anxious to finish the baby’s halloween costume by this weekend
i want to get the baby a bouncer/activity table because she loves standing while we hold her and is just starting to play with toys. i think one of these things would make her so happy and really help her development. maybe a christmas present? but maybe that will be too late. hm. we’ll see.
i need to write my four month poem asap
she is so sleepy after her vaccines 🥺
i asked chat gpt to make me a chore schedule for when i become sah and i’ve never been more excited to do chores. it’s so weird. but i am so happy to have the opportunity to make our house what i want it to be for our daughter. homemaking is a real thing and i feel like it is so undervalued and dismissed (by all genders). i feel like i’m letting go of being a “powerful woman” by becoming sah, but i keep reminding myself that true feminism is the power of choice. i honestly feel like i will better have the power to be who i want to be this way. it’s not only best for my baby, but best for me too.
i really enjoyed making homemade chicken noodle soup for the first time!! it tasted so good, and i loved layering the flavors and using fresh herbs i’ve been growing and tasting and adjusting…. cooking makes me feel like a witch, lol. bubbling and boiling and throwing different earthly elements in a big pot. what fun.
i really need to go to joann fabrics tomorrow to get the last materials i need for the baby’s pumpkin costume. sewing is also so fun. also somehow witchy. i want to make little baby clothes and teethers for everyone i know who has a baby!
crying in h mart has me thinking a lot about my relationship with my daughter. i hope my daughter will know i love her as much as michelle knew her mother loved her.
it also makes me want to learn korean and travel to asia. i had a student do a presentation back in 2016 on namsan tower and i have wanted to go there ever since then. we know like four different couples from different circles who visited japan within the past two months. i’d love to go to tokyo and see the mountains and cherry blossoms of the japanese countryside. the book also described vietnam so beautifully. and my friend who would visit family in india has always made me want to visit there too. of course the great wall of china is on my bucket list. i want to travel everywhere, really. will be quite a while due to kids tho.
i am nervous to travel in a non-english speaking country, but plenty of people seem to get by. i just am terrified of inconveniencing or annoying any locals with my ignorance. it’s too bad i am estranged from my aunt who teaches japanese and korean; she was so cool until she cyberbullied me when i was in middle school.
languages i want to learn:
ASL
italian
korean
japanese
spanish (i have intermediate knowledge of this one already)
i predict that the first international travel we do post-kids is in the caribbean, though. or maybe canada lol
____________________
10/28/23
- crying as i told my boss that i’m resigning to be stay at home
- trying to enjoy my last moments with my co-workers before they all know i’m leaving
- going to the premiere screening of the 48 Hour Film Project (Horror) and watching myself on the big screen in my team’s short film!!!
- performing in another improv show and having a really good scene with my friend who i had never played with before
- finishing the baby’s pumpkin costume!!!!
/journal/