9/6/23



12:20pm

flounder


i really like this place. i’m obsessively building my page, like i do whenever i find something new. i hope this will last though, unlike most of those things, because it’s actually based on something i love (writing) and is not just a fad.


i deleted my social media apps because i know they’re rotting my brain. so with this maybe now i can write and read actual genuine things instead of scrolling through fun house mirrors.


i write in my notes app sometimes, but i am a fishbrain who needs an audience and positive reinforcement to keep going.


i like that it’s a small community of mostly strangers. i can write things here i wouldn’t share on social media. so this place is a good balance of private but with an audience. both comfort in anonymity, and comfort in having your work be acknowledged as yours.


i am glad i added what i wanted to in my own way before looking at other people’s pages, because now i just want to copy what other people are doing. like this journal.


but also it’s kind of nice to have my uniqueness confirmed. i did things the way i thought they were supposed to be done, but really it was just my interpretation, and now it’s a unique thing.


accidentally unique in the process of trying to fit in.


that reminds me of something someone said to me my freshman year of college. i was quiet and withdrawn. and the drum major of the marching band i was in complimented my sense of style. i asked them what they meant by that, and they said i didn’t dress like anyone else at school. surprise to me. and confusion. i thought shorts and t-shirts were normal.


i don’t think i was trying to fit in, but i was trying to go unnoticed. i stood out because i was trying to blend in, and just didn’t do it well.


i still don’t even believe that though because i think i’m a pretty boring person. i think in that case i just dressed like a girl from ohio in new orleans.


i don’t have a sense of style, i just don’t know what i’m doing. i’m just trying my best.


this is rambling and doesn’t make much sense and that’s okay.


ugh i just want everyone to like me.


i was over the moon when i saw brolin’s message; truly so kind. nobody write me any more messages please, because i will love them too much and try to get more.


and that’s what i am trying to get away from on social media: my constant need to show off my life in exchange for validation. i need to pretend no one will read any of this. but also i want to make connections with everyone and be your friend.


i hope you like my adventuring page.


i take back what i said. i do want messages. i eat them up. yum yum yum.


9:29pm

closing thoughts


i love reading everyone’s journal entries. it’s so amazing to get a glimpse into all these wonderful lives. all these bright and beautiful lives out there in the world somewhere. with every emotion and conflict and joy being experienced fully.


there’s nothing more romantic than living.


i’ll try to leave a paper crane for every site i read. it’s going to take me a while. i’m a slow reader. i think it’s because i read most sentences twice, or sometimes three times if i really like it. there’s so much good writing on here. i’ve been reading things thrice a lot.


thank you for the privilege.


i don’t understand what gemlog is vs if i should make a journal folder. i like folders. i will ask my husband about it tomorrow.


i know i’m updating all my pages too much. i’m probably really annoying on the homepage.


____________________________


9/7/23


6:09pm

last thursday


do people put the time they start their journal entry or finish it at the top of these? i think start time is normal. that’s what i’m doing. but it usually takes me like an hour to finish anything because i read it over about 100 times. (meta edit: i’m done writing at 7:02 lol)


today would have been lovely if not for the impending doom of going back to work.


this was my last thursday with the baby for a long time, until probably december. it makes me so sad.


i’ll be going in person on thursdays and fridays, and work from home mondays and tuesdays. wednesdays will be half in, half at home.


i have a check-in with my boss tomorrow about my first day back on monday. not looking forward to either the check-in or monday. i will be going in this coming monday because i need to get things from my desk, since i went into labor unexpectedly back in june.


but anyway. back to my lovely day.


she didn’t sleep well last night, so we’re going to go back to using the sleep pea swaddle instead of the love to dream swaddle. my husband took her at 6am so i could sleep in some more, like he usually does.


when i woke up around 8am, she was hungry. i showered while she sat happily in her little seat next to the tub. i got her dressed then she got sleepy soon after and she slept on my chest in the recliner. i didn’t put her down in her crib because i just wanted to enjoy her in my arms.


when she woke up i took her for a walk with her in the carrier. i walked for a whole hour, which i hadn’t done in very long time, since walking that long when i was pregnant with her was tough. kind of funny, because now she is much heavier, but i can walk a whole hour with her. she loved looking around at the world, and then she fell asleep. i had her in her little pink bonnet since it was so sunny out. she is so cute.


i listened to a podcast called the snooze button while i walked. in one episode she had a guest who is a professional friendship advisor.


the advisor talked about “digital body language,” which i think is a very astute term. she said that the time it takes to respond to messages, what app you reach out through, copying punctuation/capitalization/emoji-use is all “digital body language.” i like having this term to describe this concept. it makes a lot of sense.


when we got home, she wiggled in the bassinet while i purged some clothes to give to goodwill. she slept in my arms again when she got sleepy.


husband finished work and made us pasta for dinner. she wiggled and smiled and cooed on the couch. i cried about going back to work. he said that this time, right now, the dread, is likely the worst of it. he’s probably right. but i am going to miss her so much when i’m away, and be so anxious about leaving her.


now husband and i are watching the traitors: australia and she’s asleep in my arms again.


i have an improv show tonight, a late one at 9pm. hopefully she’ll be sleepy for husband by then. will update when i get home.


11:45pm

improv show


ugh. i don’t feel good about our set. it was so random and disjointed. we didn’t edit scenes well. there was no emotion, just weird stuff. something that’s fun in practice but not for a show in front of people. we’re always better in our warm ups and practices. dang.


too many people in our group performing at once. improv shouldn’t have more than four people. two or three is ideal. we had six. SIX.


too many cooks in the kitchen.


it’s such a terrible feeling to have a bad improv set. so much squandered potential. gives improv a bad look, because long form improv can be so amazing.


it really feels worse when the next two groups completely crush it. bring down the house. inspire people. the person next to me literally said, “that was inspiring,” after the headliner’s set.


their set was so funny and yet beautiful and honest all at the same time. so admirable. so impressive. like watching a sculptor with a chainsaw make something beautiful out of an ice block. something that makes you go, “what the heck, how is that so good?”


i was so awkward. there was one scene where i just hardly said anything because i couldn’t think of anything. and then in another scene, the lines i thought were actually good didn’t get any laughs like i thought they would. nothing more terrible than silence when there’s supposed to be a laugh.


and people didn’t edit soon enough!!! so the scenes just stretched awkwardly on!!!


it’s so embarrassing to flop so badly in front of people you look up to.


i say again: ugh.


i’d blame it on being rusty, but i did well in my last show. i hope i don’t choke in the show i have on saturday. i really want to do well in that one. i think i actually am better at short form than long form improv. we’ll see.


i wish joseph had been there. he always reassures and reminds me of the good lines that i immediately forget as soon as i walk off the stage. or he will say that the audience was laughing harder than i may have heard or remember. or he will commiserate with me about other players’ choices. or he will cheer me up if it was actually bad. he is always honest with me about the performance, which means more than any empty “great show”s. it’s always honest and always supportive. he’s good at doing both.


it’s probably not as bad as i thought. it’s hard to tell if i am being too hard on myself or if i actually have a good critical eye. i acknowledge when we have good shows, so i think i am right about this show being Bad.


oh well. the moment is gone forever. that’s the beauty of improv. it’s a temporal art form. a mandala. a ripple in a pond. there and gone. appreciated and then (gratefully) forgotten.


it doesn’t matter. nothing matters. if i think about it i will feel bad. so i will try to not think about it ever again. that’s healthy, right? right. good. we agree. thank you for your tacit endorsement of all my behaviors.


i should really go to sleep. it’s 12:14am. i am wasting these precious hours my baby has been sleeping without waking up. i am glad she was good for joseph tonight.


but i like writing here. gotta stack the hours. there are no more hours to do more things. i checked.


______________________



9/8/23



4:34pm

thing-filled day


already did a lot today and more is still coming.


first i want to clarify that i was being very dramatic about last night. it's hard when it's still fresh, right after a bummer set. but i slept on it and it's fine. i talked about it more with joseph this morning. it sucks but it's fine. i haven't thought about it anymore today, so that's good. truly a mandala artform.


what sticks out the most from yesterday was actually talking to and catching up with people. that was so nice. they all wanted to see pictures of the baby. so fun. much more fun showing people in person than posting on social media. it's like how we didn't announce our pregnancy, but just told people when we saw them in person. so fun to see people's reactions rather than hearting a Congrats comment.


when i go back on ig, i'm not going to post so many pictures of her to my close friends story anymore--it'll be a once-in-a while thing instead. a special occasion thing.


i wish you could have more than one friend list on ig for stories. i'd like a long-distance friend list that i could share pictures to more often. hm.


i am way off-track here.


this morning i had a check-in with my boss and we decided on my schedule for next week. just doing 6-hour days for the first couple weeks which will be good. the worst day will be wednesday when i have to get there at 7:30am for our whiteboard meeting before the school arrives. i'm gonna try to push those meetings to 8am this school year. heheh it will be nice to have some power as manager when i return.


i finally sent in my promotion paperwork to hr. they're going to announce it on monday when i go back. i hope my co-workers will be happy about it.


i did other dumb grown up things today like scheduled a check up for a health insurance discount, and filed a claim for a rebate on my contacts.


i also met two other moms from my childbirthing class at the park for an hour-long walk. they're both really nice and easy to talk to. i wouldn't say i necessarily "click" with either of them though. you know how you can magically "click" with some people? didn't exactly happen, but they're really easy to get along with. they're just not "my people." idk, hard to describe.


the one mom i thought i would get along with best, the one who could potentially be more "my people," couldn't come because she woke up under the weather. bummer.


but overall it was a really nice walk and talk.


their babies are so much chubbier than rosie. two cute chunky boys. and my baby girl is still a little peanut. they're just a few days older than her. one was born at a weight that rosemary still has not reached yet lol. that one has so much hair, like a curly little toupe.


it's funny we each had a different popular stroller model: evenflo (me), uppababy (S), and graco (K). one wheel on my stroller squeaked the whole time, which was embarrassing and annoying.


they both were wearing athletic pants and hoodies and running shoes, and i was wearing overalls and vans. lol.


it's a really beautiful day, cloudy and breezy, and lake erie was a nice stormy grey. we were all sweating so much by the end of the walk. it's sweaty out there.


i'm excited that our friends CH & CH are coming over today in a bit. we're gonna do a bonfire in the backyard. should be really nice. :)


10:43pm

our daughter has new godparents ^.^


and i am going to bed with my hair smelling of bonfire smoke <3


______________________


9/9/23


10:30pm

a good day


it’s been really perfect fall-ish weather the past couple days. cloudy and chilly and a bit misty. i love it. wore a sweatshirt. i love sweatshirts.


we compared our baby pictures to our baby today. i see both of us in her, but i think she favors joseph a little bit more. i am so excited to see who she becomes.


went to half price books and sold two totes and two cardboard boxes worth of books. a lot of them were young adult books i had from my classroom library from when i was a teacher. a lot of them were from my friend’s old classroom library too. and then there were a whole bunch of out-of-date educational books my grandma gave me as well. we got $20.60 for all of it.


there were a lot of great books and dvds for sale there that we would have loved, but really it just made us want to go to the library.


the baby was soooo good in the carrier. looking all around, and then so sleepy. she is so cute.


we also went to joann fabrics to buy materials for her halloween costume. i’m going to attempt to sew her a little pumpkin costume. my best friend is going to come over on monday to teach me how to use the sewing machine my MIL gave me. i am excited. i think it’s going to turn out really adorable.


i had another improv show tonight. it was a game show format similar to game changer or make some noise (dropout tv). i feel good about my scenes with my team and my choices as an individual player; we had fun.


the host however was very critical of the players during the show. joseph had predicted as much, because this particular person has a tendency to be a little too mean in a way that’s not always fun. not what you want from any game show host, but especially an improv game show. so i was able to take his flippant comments with a grain of salt.


and he didn’t even have the slideshow prepared… he was flipping through his notebook for the prompts because he didn’t bother to update the slides. the title of the show on the first slide wasn’t even updated. not a good look. people paid money for this show! they deserve better! very unprofessional.


joseph would make a much better game show host. he makes excellent powerpoints, and also his laugh is loud and wonderful to hear whenever you’re on stage.


it’s fun to debrief shows with him, even though he wasn’t at this one because he was watching the baby. it’s a bummer we can’t really go to each other’s shows anymore because of that. but we will get babysitters for the important ones if we need to.


i have so many ideas for things to write on here. and i am overwhelmed by how much is on here to read too—so much poetry i want to delve into. it’s hard to find the time to both write and read. i’m definitely doing more than i was before though. i wonder what it’ll be like when i go back to work.


i think if i stay off social media it will be good. it will give me back a lot of time. and be good for my brain and self-worth.


baby girl is being a good sleeper again so far. going to go to bed to try to take advantage of those hours.


good night <3


___________________________


9/12/23



3:37pm

return to work


it's crazy how easy yesterday was. i stopped home in the middle to feed her and snuggle her and kiss her and change her diaper, so that definitely helped. and so it was only 2.5 hours in a meeting, then driving home, then time at home, then driving to work, then 2 hours working, then driving home again. so it went by really fast. like two quick errands.


at work it felt like no time had passed at all. i completely skipped over our summer season, and we're back to the school year schedule, so it's like i picked up where i left off. like i was just gone maybe a week.


same relationships, same jokes, same topics of conversation.


except they all ask about the baby now. i have to resist showing pictures because i don't want to be That Person. just the lock-screen photo. i show more only if they ask.


i love it when anyone asks.


my one office-mate got engaged--i am so happy for her.


we'll see if my promotion affects any relationships down the line.


today working from home was harder than yesterday. harder to type one-handed while holding her. took me two hours to write an email (compared to my usual hour; i am so slow when writing emails). i had to constantly stop to tend to her in some way.


hard to be in a meeting when i hear her crying in the next room, even though i know joseph has her.


hopefully it'll get better. hopefully we will get used to it and find our swing of things.


last night after work, my best friend SD came over and taught me how to use the sewing machine my MIL gave me. it is very difficult and persnickety, but it is a lot of fun. i really enjoy it. it scratches some kind of itch i can't identify. i like figuring out what's wrong when it growls at me. i like being good at it.


i sewed the large majority of the baby's halloween costume already--a pumpkin. i still need to:


1.a. sew closed the arm holes and b. redo them in different spots (they're currently too close together in the front)

2. add polyfill to make it poofy (SD will bring me some)

3. sew the bottom hem

4. add elastic to the collar and hem

5. sew closed the whole thing and turn it inside out

6. make leaves out of felt and sew those on

7. make her hat (i need to buy green fabric for this)


i can definitely do it before halloween. i am so excited. the black onesie that she will wear underneath arrives today. she will look so cute.


i am kind of sad my MIL wants the sewing machine back, or at least she wants to share it. i really am enjoying it. i want to make blankets for everyone i know. i am not ready for that yet though, i don't think. first, the costume.


joseph has a show tonight. he is going straight there from work. the baby is currently sleeping on my lap. my plan tonight is to write and read. maybe sew some more if the baby lets me. idk what i will do for dinner. we'll see.


i asked my mom (who now lives 10 minutes away) if she wanted to come by and keep me and the baby company tonight. she said she went into the office (a 10-minute commute) and had a long day. so i assume that means no, she doesn't want to.


this annoys me.


she said the same kind of stuff when i was pregnant and i asked for help. that she did one thing that day and was tired.


um, does she know how tired pregnant women are? i have a newborn who wakes me up three times a night. i just went back to work. i am more tired than you, mom.


i'm fine not having help tonight, but it still annoys me. it hurts my feelings. it hurts not because i *need* the help, but because she doesn't want to help. to do a minimal thing to help. and it would be a big help. of course i can watch the baby by myself. but does she not realize how helpful just having someone hold the baby for 15 minutes can be?


what is the point of her living so close to me?


she only moved here for her boyfriend. not for me. how did i not see that before?


i would be there for my daughter.


it's fine. i'm getting by. i like my alone time with the baby. i like time to read and write and sew. it's fine.


i can never share this site with anyone if i'm gonna keep complaining about people. lol. maybe i'll delete these someday.


5:09pm

guilt


i am spending all my energy on journaling when i should be writing creatively!!!! journals are junk food!!! i need to eat KALE!!!


also i realized i am not letting myself read the poetry that i want to read until i write the things i supposedly want to write. i don't know if this punishment is good for me, or if allowing myself to read those things would inspire me to write.


why does this thing i love to do feel so much like work??


__________________________________


9/18/23



______________________


9/19/23


7:15pm

dumb work


i hate how much of my thoughts are already being dedicated toward work. i was already sleeping anxiously because i’m afraid something bad will happen to the baby. {insert prayer here.} now i am also having work stress dreams again.


and during the day. i’m thinking about work too much during the day. when i’m clocked out. when i shouldn’t care about work.


very intense meeting today where the instructors wrote a very honest letter to admin about all their very valid concerns. and kind of skirted their issues with this one employee but also addressed it. ugh. it’s very good that we’re finally having a direct conversation about it all, because all the resentment led to a lot of bad vibes that developed while i was gone. but it gives me anxiety.


so weird to have been a part of the meeting virtually while everyone else was in person. i hit “end” to the meeting and had no one to debrief with. i think one instructor might have been crying. i texted her but she hasn’t texted me back. which she totally is not obligated to do, but i’m distressed that she might be distressed, because i care about her.


i hate that i’ve returned to work a scab. before i was a coordinator and was technically considered admin, but i was on the same level as the instructors. now i’m a manager and automatically part of the problem. it’s like i switched over to the evil team. i hate it. i hope i can make things better and actually advocate for them and make change.


aaaAuuughhhhhauuuAaughhhgghhhhh… so much anxiety.


i’m afraid i made an ass out of myself toward the end of the meeting because i couldn’t read the mood of the room while virtual. idk. i was trying to make people smile. i was saying i was happy to resume assigning tasks with my crazy color coded whiteboard, because it was satisfying to me. just poking fun at my dorkiness a bit. i saw some people smile and it sounded like they were enthusiastic to have that again. idk though, cuz i think that one instructor was crying. i feel dumb.


it’s not fair to them to have a manager who is not present. but i have to prioritize my daughter. which means i have to stop thinking about work and being anxious about it. there’s nothing i can do about it right now. it’s not like i’m going to ask someone to debrief the meeting with me after hours. J isn’t hear to talk to about it. SD came by and that was nice, but it didn’t get all my scaries out.


i have to learn to self soothe. without talking to anyone about it. hm.


i’ll work on that skill. my baby is also working on that skill.


______________________



9/23/23



/journal/

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