4/4/24

10:48pm

hi flounder.

feeling guilty for not updating babylog lately or writing her 9 month passage. i’m letting her infancy go by without capturing it. ugh.

when i feel obligated to write one specific thing, i write nothing. then feel more guilty and anxious and my executive function plummets.

this is good that i’m writing now but i should be sleeping. guilt. shame.

i am feeling desperate to find a therapist in my network, or go to some kind of therapy, even try group therapy. it’s not been great in my head lately.

i have a long list of things i would talk to my potential therapist about.

i don’t think it’s ppd. i think it’s normal ali stuff. i just happen to be postpartum now.

i am desperate for the weather to turn and the sun to come out. i am looking forward to the eclipse.

maybe once the weather turns nice all my problems will be solved. maybe i should wait til then. that’s why they call it “maybe.”

i was desperate to make it past easter, when my busy schedule would stop being busy. and now i just want to crash. but i have so many things left to do.

i am overwhelmed and overdue.

i need a computer day

and a spa day

and a nature day

and a tv & sleep & food delivery day

and a camping day

i need this guilt to get off my back.

______________________

4/7/24

*feeling better after feeling terrible (emotionally)

*walking

*looking forward to eclipse totality!!!

*getting back into sewing, drawing, and watercolors

*trying to figure out if i need therapy or just more hobby time

*going back and forth from feeling worthless to feeling very confident

_______________________

4/12/24

11:41pm

i just wrote out a whole entry for today and when i went to scroll to hit save, it refreshed and deleted. not doing it again.

the total eclipse was beautiful.

i just want to hold my baby.