4/4/24
10:48pm
hi flounder.
feeling guilty for not updating babylog lately or writing her 9 month passage. i’m letting her infancy go by without capturing it. ugh.
when i feel obligated to write one specific thing, i write nothing. then feel more guilty and anxious and my executive function plummets.
this is good that i’m writing now but i should be sleeping. guilt. shame.
i am feeling desperate to find a therapist in my network, or go to some kind of therapy, even try group therapy. it’s not been great in my head lately.
i have a long list of things i would talk to my potential therapist about.
i don’t think it’s ppd. i think it’s normal ali stuff. i just happen to be postpartum now.
i am desperate for the weather to turn and the sun to come out. i am looking forward to the eclipse.
maybe once the weather turns nice all my problems will be solved. maybe i should wait til then. that’s why they call it “maybe.”
i was desperate to make it past easter, when my busy schedule would stop being busy. and now i just want to crash. but i have so many things left to do.
i am overwhelmed and overdue.
i need a computer day
and a spa day
and a nature day
and a tv & sleep & food delivery day
and a camping day
i need this guilt to get off my back.
______________________
4/7/24
- feeling better after feeling terrible (emotionally)
- walking
- looking forward to eclipse totality!!!
- getting back into sewing, drawing, and watercolors
- trying to figure out if i need therapy or just more hobby time
- going back and forth from feeling worthless to feeling very confident
_______________________
4/12/24
11:41pm
i just wrote out a whole entry for today and when i went to scroll to hit save, it refreshed and deleted. not doing it again.
the total eclipse was beautiful.
i just want to hold my baby.
/journal/