2/3/24

11:27pm - hard week


wild that i am journaling at the exact same time as last time. a pattern.


i don’t really know why sometimes i decide to journal here and sometimes in my gemlog. just whatever feels right i guess.


i cried in front of people i don’t know well today. same thing happened this time last year, according to my line-a-day journal. a pattern.


i went to mom-exercise class and when the instructor asked me how i was doing i said, “it’s been a hard week” and just started crying and i couldn’t stop.


the instructor at first gave some comforting words, but then moved into unwelcome questions and advice and that made me shut down again. held it together the best i could during the rest of class. left early. instructor gave me a high five and told me i was doing an amazing job and that made me cry again on my way out.


baby is doing wonderful and crawling and babbling (“ba ba ba” and “ma ma ma”) and pulling up to stand all the time. but her eating and sleeping schedule is wildly unpredictable, despite me trying to have a schedule.


her refusing to eat stresses me out to no end. i have no idea why she won’t nurse or eat a bottle when i know she is hungry. she just cries and twists away and gets distracted and wants to play but also is fussing because she is hungry.


i feel so helpless during those times. i can’t force feed her! and she is below the first percentile in height and weight and so i am not approved to sleep coach/train her, because i have to feed her whenever she wakes up at night. she eats great at night—it’s the time when she eats best because she is sleepy and not distracted.


i have not slept for more than four hours straight in weeks. and i’m exhausted. that is largely contributing to any negative emotions i’ve been feeling. i’m just exhausted. and hard on myself.


and then, during the day, sometimes her naps last 40 minutes and it’s impossible to get her back to sleep. and then sometimes she naps for 1-1.5 hours, which is perfect. and then today she napped 2.5 hours. how am i supposed to follow any kind of schedule like this?


the pediatrician is nice but wildly unhelpful and gives us no guidance or plans to get her to gain more weight, even though she’s concerned about her weight, but also says she’s perfectly healthy. i want to try a new pediatrician.


the baby is the best part of my day. she is soooo happy and fun and a marvel to watch. i just get so anxious every time she doesn’t eat or sleep well. because i just want to take care of her and make sure she’s okay.


at least she loves to eat solid foods. that part is fun.


i am sad we had to miss swim lessons this week because she was refusing to sleep and it would have kept her up for too long.


we have freaking ants everywhere. tiny ones, like sugar ants. i pulled absolutely everything off our kitchen counters and cleaned it all thoroughly and sprayed it with ant spray and put everything back. keeping absolutely no dirty dishes in the sink or clean dishes out to dry—everything must be cleaned and dried and put back right away.


but they are even in our bathroom. looked up while showering and there were at least ten crawling around on the ceiling. like a horror movie. why?? how?? what is even in the bathroom that they like?? it’s so stressful.


feeling isolated. i miss socializing with my friends after practices and shows and just in general. it’s hard to get away. and i miss the baby when i’m away.


but i got lunch with a friend today and that was so nice. i really needed that.


another friend who is pregnant and due next month fell and almost had to have her baby. luckily her contractions slowed and the baby is fine and they sent her home. i think her being in the hospital (the same one where i delivered) brought up a lot of emotions for me the last couple days, just thinking back on my own experience and reliving it. it was a very positive experience but still a really emotional one. especially when thinking about all that could have gone wrong, and worrying about my friend and her baby.


having my period since monday also has made this a hard and exhausting week. not having a period for a year was wonderful. huge perk of pregnancy.


i have to memorize my lines for the sketch show i’m in.


i have to do something about sleep.


i am either feeling like an empty shell, or a shell about to burst with tears. or i feel completely fine and just tired. but i always am hard on myself. Always.


______________________


2/26/24

10:26pm


gonna reformat and combine all my journals and probably change them into monthly files someday.


big woof when it comes to how i’ve been doing emotionally. crazy how mixed it is. pure love and joy and contentment but also simultaneously feeling so down and overwhelmed and some of the worst feelings a person can feel about themselves. what is the human brain, how can it be like this all at once.


thinking i might call that postpartum psychologist who i talked to when i was pregnant.


finished the montessori book, the first book i’ve physically read cover to cover in a while (have just read pieces and parts of baby/parenting books for a long time). feels good to finish it. inspired me to finish some other things today.


i checked out Braiding Sweetgrass from the library for my next book—a non-baby related book. been on my list for a while. looking forward to the experience.


cleared off and organized the top of my dresser. i have my various creams and lotions and essential oils and jade roller and lavender sachet and jewelry boxes on there now, and it’s so nice to have a little self-care area.


feeling better overall today though. spring is coming. it will be here soon. i can feel the green sprouts germinating in the soil of my soul.



____________________________


2/27/24



______________________


2/29


/journal/

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